Grief Looks Different For Everybody

Let’s talk about something heavy… something like Grief.

January 14, 2022, I lost one of the best gifts God has ever given me. On that day, my grandmother was called home. Though I had already experienced the death of my great-grandmother when I was much younger, this death did a number on me.

If you have recently lost a loved one, or are close to someone who has, I’m inviting you to take a journey down the highs & lows of the process of healing a grieving heart.

According to the American Psychological Association, “Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person”. APA also proclaims that, “Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future”.

If I could add anything else to the above definitions, I would add a quote that I read from an unknown source online, “Grief is love that has no place to go”.

To be completely honest, I haven’t been the same since she’s been gone. Somethings changed for the betterment of me, and some I’m still working through. Not only do you grieve the loss of a loved one, but you grieve all the lost dreams connected to them. As much as I thought I prepared myself for her departure (since I knew it was coming), all those efforts went out the window when the time finally came. No, I wasn’t the one to break down at her funeral (because I was in a state of shock & denial) but days after, I completely fell apart.

In all transparency, I hit an emotional & mental rock bottom I never knew existed. On the outside I appeared very much stabilized but on the inside the trauma was screaming to be released. It got so bad that I ultimately reached the point in which my pain manifested into anxiety.

In my eyes she was my person, the only person in the world who got me 100%. So, to be left here on earth with a bunch of people who at the time I felt did not understand and accept me at my core, was just heartbreaking. I couldn’t get over the loneliness of that perception.

I had tons of support and love given to me at that time, but unfortunately, I was unable to receive any of it. I appreciated it, but it was not strong enough to heal my broken heart or erase my trauma.

During that time, I’ve heard some of the most assuring and non-assuring phrases ever. From “oh she’s in a better place”, to the uncomfortable “Oh my, she was so young when she passed”. Like umm excuse me, is that supposed to make me feel better? Or the main one, “She didn’t leave you, her body did, but her spirit is still with you”. Sighs.

Trust me, I believe these individuals were coming from a good place, but those phrases are ineffective if you ask me. In theory, I concluded that some people don’t quite understand how hard it is to talk about the deceased. Until healing arrives, to talk about it, your mind instantly visits the day they died. So, it’s like you mentally relive the traumatic moment over & over and that’s tough.

If you’re reading this and can relate, I want you to know my heart feels for you and I want you to know you are not alone regarding however you may feel. Grief may have universal symptoms and universal stages, but it’s tailored to each and every one it touches differently.

Since this is a safe space of healing & transparency, I have no problem telling you that my grief brought upon manic episodes. There were times when family and friends would come over after my grandmother passed and what looked like me having a good time enjoying their support to get my mind off her death, that was nothing more but over-active, high-energy behavior that was doing whatever it could to not face reality. I was really in self-destruct mode and didn’t even know it.

I would go from 0 to 100 real quick! Like Drake had nothing on me! Lol. I would nose jump off couches like I was performing on stage and had fans to catch me. I would end up taking off some form of clothing and just start yelling for no apparent reason! Lol. I can laugh now because I already cried for the inner me that had to experience that level of trauma responding.

But then after the “adrenaline” wore off, and that’s when I went into another chapter…

At this point I started taking anxiety medication, sleep aid and alcoholic beverages all at once, hoping to sleep through the night. Emotional eating began knocking at my door. I then began isolating myself because I started experiencing anxiety tremors and I felt people would judge me if they saw that the “psychology major” was breaking down behind closed doors. I started experiencing anger, fear, and started feeling delusional. So many nights I would leave my own house because I thought my grandma was screaming my name through the middle of the night. It’s like I became a hollow shell that was stuck in a dark place.

One thing that is vital for me to share, even though I was not myself, I never not prayed that God would bring me through this. I would always pray, “God please don’t let me go out like no sucka”. And to me, my inner spirit, was really asking that He would give me the strength to utilize the tools He’s already provided- so that I can come out on top and proclaim the victory that should be mine. I never wanted to not overcome what I believed I could overcome if I tried hard enough to push through circumstance.

So, I boldly believe that it was nobody but God who got me through that section of my grief. It would be insane for me to believe it was from my efforts alone. So, I’m sharing this because I want you to see that everyone’s stages are truly different.

Some might read this and judge, and some might read this and be like, “I knew I wasn’t going crazy’. But what’s most important for me to express to you is that during “Grief”, this is not a time when you should be hard on yourself. This is not a time when you must meet a deadline to reach healing. This is not a time when you let the highs & lows define your level of strength. This is not a time when you allow others’ opinions to dictate how you decide to process your grief.

If you want to go crazy, then go crazy! (Just don’t hurt yourself or anyone else!) If you want to stay in bed and cry nonstop, then do it! Be true to what your body is trying to express. You can’t skip stages; they can be out of order but not skipped! And truth is you don’t want to skip any because they all matter in the process of healing! I promise you when the healing comes, you’ll be forever thankful- even for the low experiences because you’ll learn so much about yourself. You’ll discover so much about the empty spaces/voids within your heart.

I’m not a believer that time heals all wounds, I'm moreso like, time constantly allows healing to always have the space to do its job.

If you read this blog and just need someone to talk to concerning your grieving heart, I am here for you! I get you! And I will try my best to understand you!

The journey doesn’t end here. Please come back and visit DTWWM site. Next time I will reveal the things I did to begin healing properly, and also provide suggestions on what you could do to practice healthy grieving as well.

I need you & you need me... so Do The Work With Me.

- The Real Onica